It needs time to heal...

I knw thr's actually alot of ppl cares abt me.Alot but i din realise it until i had sum quite honest talk wif a fren of mine tat nite after Lyn's party.

She asked me,do i haf a true fren,a fren who will b thr to listen n help u whn u needed them.Unfortunately i cant think of any,thr's one schmate i get in touch wif after we graduate from highsch also take me for granted.At 1st i tot she will be busy flying around so din contact her tat much but who knws,my sis saw her bak in Stw,pak tor-ing wif her new bf n dun bother to even spend a minute to sms her fren,me who help n teached her so much n treating her as d oni fren i got frm sch.Well,not to say i'm jealous tat she got a new bf or watever,i jst wan fren who will rememeber me once in awhile n send me a msg or give me a call.*not to say other schmate or any frens in my sch is not my fren*

Ok,get back to d conversation.So my answer to her question is 'no'.And so she asked do i ever think tat is becos of my own attitude or way of communication makes ppl treat me tis way.Well i duno,i'm a person who dun really talk alot,i'm vry cautious wif asking ppl question afraid tat question will offence ppl,when i talk i haf to dig deep into my brain searching for a topic to chat abt n tats y sumtimes i cud be vry quiet.And my attitude,i dun really show if i care for sum1,i haf tat thinking tat my action will prove everything as long as i treat everyone wif my HEART and tats y ppl misunderstands me and so they dun like me...

Sum ppl thinks tat i'm too confident or over confident or arrogant,always think tat my work and my way of thinking is always right.Well yea in sum kind of things,but actually being confident is to cover up my weaknesses.Ppl may think i'm pretty or i'm hot or even happy but seriously i dun really like myself,i hate myself n i even think of myself as a rubbish.I may seems happy everyday everytime,it is becos i trained myself to be like tat since i'm vry vry young.But whn i shows tat i'm not happy on my face,did anyone even care to ask wat happen?n even if i did tell,anyone listen?Becos things happened to me tat i dun really trust a person fully,i believe everyone got their own secret tat vry hard to be reveal or too shameful to be reveal,wat will happen if i tell,wat will they think of me,will it be spread around like viruses?sum consequences is vry hard to accept tats y...Becos i'm too cautious,tats y i'm fake but yet i'm true in the heart.

Seriously,i think everyone is an actor/actress.It depends on whether the way they act are with heart or without,either wif good or bad intention.When u say the truth ppl may not like it and may think tat u r too harsh and dunwan to talk to u anymore and when u say sumthg tat every ppl likes to hear,u will feel uncomfortable becos u din say the truth and ppl will say tat u r fake but yet ppl still like to be with u...so?how?sum ppl may not like u being so straight forward n sum ppl likes u becos u'r true...

Sumtimes i feel vry lonely,sumtimes i make myself being lonely becos i felt tired.Alone is the only time i can be myself,i dun nit to care other ppl feelings,dun nit to care wat happen,i can cry when i'm sad,laugh when i'm happy.Life outside is so fake sumtimes,especially myself.Even i dun like sumthg,i dunwan sumthg i nit to do it becos i'm too concern abt other ppl feelings ler,if i dunwan go,i'm afraid of making a group of ppl not happy.Everything is up to ppl's choice becos i think tat not all the ppl like wat i like,like to do wat i like to do,eat wat i like to eat so end up its ppl's choice.

Sumtimes i felt abandon and i will think alot,blaming myself alot eventho its not my fault.I knw all tis is becos of my past,i wanted to be myself aso.But when i be myself,will every fren tat i haf now goes away?I jst wan ppl to understand me,things gradually will change becos of the situation tat one goin thru.I'm trying to change and i learn all the time.If a couple been together for 2 yrs,break up aso nit few years to totally forget abt tat person la,eventho they did forget,memories will sumtimes flash back n it will still reminds u of tat abusive bf or ur bf/gf who cheated on u etc. etc. but my situation is different,mine is 18yrs of my past,i cannot forget my parents i cannot forget wat i've gone thru i cannot forget the life tat i was born to live wif,the practice of being independent,being cautious of not being hurt,being so concern abt ppl's feelings cannot be erase jst like tat.It depends on how i take it,how i overcome it and how i learn from it.

I tot i had accepted the life i had but actually i'm avoiding it in another way,try to protect it,try to make the fact change sumhow or rather,try to stop things frm bad becoming worst but actually i cannot do anything wif it.I knw wats the problem wif myself,i knw but i duno how to heal myself,duno how to accept it and tats y my life is so miserable...

But after the talk i haf wif tis fren of mine,i think i knw wat i shud do and of cos i nit time to.I was so touch when tis another fren of mine came n tell me tat she really do care and willing to listen becos sumtimes she seems so blur to even care abt her hp hahaha...

Im so glad tat i haf u guys as my fren who really haf the initiative to wake me up and those who care abt me and take me as their fren,thanks Amnesty.

I'll start to love myself better and live my life like thr's no tomorrow.*