My Mini Farewell

I'll be leaving to kl today.Found a job,working for da same nike i used to work b4.Tis time will be working at a different place cos they goin to launch da Worldcup2006 stuff .Last nite haf a mini farewell for me,i guess,happy tat everyone is happy n enjoyed themself.Hmmm i guess i wont be back in stw in 1 or 2 mnths time,I'll miss them.Therefore,i'm kinda excited tat i'll be working,i hope tis time is much more different than tat time cos i'm not living wif aunty n her spoiled daughter.I'll living at papa eric's hse n i will haf more freedom tis time!

Wild to a GOOD girl

I changed my hairstyle tis afternoon.Arggghhh i dunno but i dun think i like it.But b4 i had tat wild look,i was like tat aso...straight long hair but i jst dun get used to it now....

Wat u guys think?vry 'si man' rite!!!But tis looks is more acceptable than tat WILD one,so haih...din do aso do adi lork.Well i get it done wif only rm100!Cheap rite?!Sure la,my fren lei ge ma da hairstylist!;p

Life after Easter

*Tis Easter egg was brought all da way back from UK,is a pressie from my beloved 'ku ma'*

Tis year's Easter really meant alot to me.I went to City Harvest church on Saturday-15th April.It was totally awesome,overall everything was great,da worship,da ppl,da pastor,everything!Tat was da nite where i decided to open up for God to come back to me,i accepted Him back to my life again.Get to knw alot of new ppl,they r all vry frenly.I feel more welcome there compared to my previous church i went.Everything tat da pastor said was all actually make sense n closely related to US(no matter how old u r).I really enjoyed myself there n glad tat i went there.

I've learned alot.From tat,i've made my decisions.Well,things had happened n i dunwan to mention it here.Eventhou its brings harm but I nit to go thru tis stages before reaching destiny.Tats wat i've learned from da sermon.Tis decisions tat i've made its better for everyone,i dun think i will regret but i'll hope there's something we can learned from wat had happened from da past n change.It's sad,hurt,unbearable but time will heal,even it will left more or less of scars but wat we haf to do is face it n forgive.I do not blame anyone for wat had happened as i've forgive but if U think i'm wrong,jst continue blaming me or even hate me if u will feel better.I'll pray for u n for myself.So i'm not unhappy,down or even angry rite now.I told myself da 1st thing i came back to stw is to go thru it n live my NEW life.Y new?well,something or somebody had walked out of my life.I kept thinking of wat had happened thou but i think ONE day,i will stop thinking abt it anymore,maybe when i'm in kl next week,busy working which will makes me no time for it n slowly fades....

Slowly i'm changing myself.Like today,i've changed my simcard to a new one,get a facial,curled my eyelashes(DAMN!it looks shorter) n soon i gonna get a hairdo.BUt now having a hard time deciding la,so many ppl gave compliments abt my hair now,i like tis WILD look but but but so many but....haih...Tomolo i'll change my bedsheet,go gym,dun go out at nite(as if),start to make plans wif papa eric abt me goin kl.So many ppl said i looks pale n ill,maybe,after da struggle n those sleepless nites,i really haf to change my lifestyle now,REALLY!Well jst let it goes da way God wanted to...

Pals,pray for me k...

FRIENDS

It's 3.38am.I'm still in a cybercafe(shhh!dun tell anyone),online,blogging n listening to mp3's from my hp...I received a sms at 3am jst now from my beloved lovely darling,ah sze.She wrote tat she miss me n asked me to take care.I replied her,i miss her too wif a sad smiley at d end of it.She replied again tat she's worried abt me n will call me tomolo.I felt so touch n curious at d same time.Touched becos she really cares abt me n curious of wats she worrying abt n worry abt her aso cos she sound sad from her msg.I wonder wat it is,is too late to call her now so i might jst haf to wait till tomolo.

Friends always meant alot to me.Before tis i dun feel tat my frens cares abt me,they do but i think not as much as i do care for them,well i cant compare as long as i do my part as their frens.I cant tok to anybody as there's no one i can tok to,no one who can understand wat i'm goin thru,no one who can even spare some time to listen to my prbs.Till recently i haf tis bunch of frens,u knw who u guys n girls r.They really cares abt each n other frens.They take frenship as a important thing in their lifes n not only befriended wif those who will give them advantages.I nvr had frens like them,nvr had frens who will sms,care,call,be wif u once they c ur mood changes or when u r in trouble,nvr had frens who will stay late n go out wif u whenever u wan them to even they r extremely tired from work but now i haf.They r really great listeners,counselors too.Now i feel tat i'm less stressful than b4 which i haf to kip everything inside becos i got no one to turn to.I really appreciate every each of u as my frens,as my buddies,my bros n sis.I love u all!I do care abt u guys too!U all really meant alot to me.Thank u all for being my frens!Muaks muaks muaks!

*leave comments if u haf something to say when u read my blogs*

Don't feel ALIVE

Things suddenly came to me.I cant 'digest'.It kept appearing in my mind.I've been trying to numb myself wif alchohol,books,music...n even hurting myself.Where ever i touch myself;my face,my hands,my thighs,my arms,etc.,i imagine myself holding a blade n cut where ever tat is,blood comes out,feel da pain,i will feel good n relieve.Always,i wanted to do it whenever i imagine abt it but i knw,i realise,i haf a prb,a big n serious 1.I stopped myself,i tell myself not to do anything stupid like b4.Am i trying to avoid something?y i kept imagine tis kinda things?i dunno...but i kept thinking n thinking....

I dunwan to think abt it anymore so i went out drinking wif frens,haf fun but deep inside my heart i dun feel happy.I feel empty,useless,worthless.After 2 nites,i finally knw d reason,d reason of y am i imagine things like tat,it was so clear to me.It was becos i wan to get attention n i cant accept da fact,accept wat has already past,i cant.I'm suffering.

Till today,i woke up wif my heart beating real fast,hands r shaking,legs too.I punch my bare hand to da wall wif all my strength.No pain in return,so i punch a few times,again,i dun feel da pain at all.I drove to Lumut,went to Strawberry,alone.Ordered laksa n a cup of coffee.Ate 2 mouth laksa n i dun feel like eating anymore so i continue reading my book,Women who LOVE too much-Robin Norwood.As i read those story written,i found it quite similar to my situation.I kept thinking abt my prbs,i tot i will cry,i wanted to cry so i can feel better after crying but i cant,i cant force a tear out of my eyes.

Ah sze called me to go yum cha,i went there awhile,she realise i got something,she saw my eyes red n swollen even thou i havent been crying.I left without saying a word.I came back home,continue wrapping my books,trying to blind myself wif doin things but i cant concentrate.I punch da floor again,I'm trying to feel myself but still no pain in return.Daniel smsed me,asked me y i din tok when yum cha tat time.I told him everything.After tat Mei smsed me too,asking how am i feeling,i told her everything aso.Luckily there's Mei n Dan,if not i wudnt knw wat i will do when i'm alone.I realise actually there's ppl who cares abt me.B4 i knw them,i got no one to tok to,no one care but now,i haf n i shud be grateful to haf frens like them.But things still havent solve.I cant let go but i cant stand all tis anymore.I'm suffering,i cant breathe,i cant feel myself.I really cant accept!!!How shud i deal?How do i cope?!!I'm afraid i cant control myself no more,i dunwan anymore self-abuse happen to myself again....oh please....