Don't feel ALIVE

Things suddenly came to me.I cant 'digest'.It kept appearing in my mind.I've been trying to numb myself wif alchohol,books,music...n even hurting myself.Where ever i touch myself;my face,my hands,my thighs,my arms,etc.,i imagine myself holding a blade n cut where ever tat is,blood comes out,feel da pain,i will feel good n relieve.Always,i wanted to do it whenever i imagine abt it but i knw,i realise,i haf a prb,a big n serious 1.I stopped myself,i tell myself not to do anything stupid like b4.Am i trying to avoid something?y i kept imagine tis kinda things?i dunno...but i kept thinking n thinking....

I dunwan to think abt it anymore so i went out drinking wif frens,haf fun but deep inside my heart i dun feel happy.I feel empty,useless,worthless.After 2 nites,i finally knw d reason,d reason of y am i imagine things like tat,it was so clear to me.It was becos i wan to get attention n i cant accept da fact,accept wat has already past,i cant.I'm suffering.

Till today,i woke up wif my heart beating real fast,hands r shaking,legs too.I punch my bare hand to da wall wif all my strength.No pain in return,so i punch a few times,again,i dun feel da pain at all.I drove to Lumut,went to Strawberry,alone.Ordered laksa n a cup of coffee.Ate 2 mouth laksa n i dun feel like eating anymore so i continue reading my book,Women who LOVE too much-Robin Norwood.As i read those story written,i found it quite similar to my situation.I kept thinking abt my prbs,i tot i will cry,i wanted to cry so i can feel better after crying but i cant,i cant force a tear out of my eyes.

Ah sze called me to go yum cha,i went there awhile,she realise i got something,she saw my eyes red n swollen even thou i havent been crying.I left without saying a word.I came back home,continue wrapping my books,trying to blind myself wif doin things but i cant concentrate.I punch da floor again,I'm trying to feel myself but still no pain in return.Daniel smsed me,asked me y i din tok when yum cha tat time.I told him everything.After tat Mei smsed me too,asking how am i feeling,i told her everything aso.Luckily there's Mei n Dan,if not i wudnt knw wat i will do when i'm alone.I realise actually there's ppl who cares abt me.B4 i knw them,i got no one to tok to,no one care but now,i haf n i shud be grateful to haf frens like them.But things still havent solve.I cant let go but i cant stand all tis anymore.I'm suffering,i cant breathe,i cant feel myself.I really cant accept!!!How shud i deal?How do i cope?!!I'm afraid i cant control myself no more,i dunwan anymore self-abuse happen to myself again....oh please....