decision r hard 2 make

I wonder will i face regrets in the future.Well people say if u don't make mistakes u wudn't learn.Well,i'm goin to leave so that i can be myself,pursuing my own dreams and ambition without any restriction without having to face black espressions,going out with whoever i want,going home anytime i want and doing anything that will make myself happy.

I know its for my own good but i just want to explore the world myself at least i will know what it feels like and how does it looks like so that i'll learn.I leave not because of anyone else but myself.I'm tired,tired of being somebody who is not me,being so restless to do something that i want to do and doing something that i don't want to do.

I really hope u understand.

Emotional support

Whole nite I didn't sleep.Luckily got to college in time.And when i'm in the taxi,the taxi driver looked at me and ask what is my occupation,so i said student.Then he's like asking to be a model and telling me i'm pretty and then i tell him "tak cukup tinggi lah pak cik" then he answer "boleh lah muka cantik cukup lah" then i just smiled. I know i'm vain...hehehe.

Recently i've been talking to a lot of people.Getting a lot of advices.Some people who i don't talk to them also can see that i'm not happy,my smile hidden a lot of unhappiness,very fake.But kind enough when i'm down there's people who supported me and teached me,they want to see the happiest smile that i always had.

Down moments

Its freaking 2.39am and i'm drinking beer alone.Thought of getting myself numb for awhile but it just couldn't get me drunk!And when i don't want to drunk,i fucking drunk and its infront of my friends!!!-_-"

That's the way it is...the more you want it to be the more it don't want to be...


am i crapping now????????

Shit!

Saturday Nite

Binny came and fetch me and we went 1u.Saw two leng zai's,too bad can't take picture with 'em.Everyone will surely kill me cos i'm buying stuff again when i keep on telling them i', broke,and this time is a white long sleeved off shoulder SEED blouse,30% off at Padini Concept Store.Wanted to buy more but i controlled myself,need to save some money to get a new memory card and yeah i lost it again...really no fate with memory cards this is the second time already!!!

Went over to Valeska's party after that.What a small world,i saw a bitch at the party.Coincidently her bf is Valeska's friend so she went along.So i tell a few of my friends about her and she's definitely related with this word 'buruk',fashion sense sucks.When comes to group photo sessions,as if she's a part of them,so perasan and take picture with them even Asthena's bf also didn't take picture with us when comes to collegemates turn.Anyway,the food was nice,i like the sotong and the chicken.

After that i followed Kym back to Setapak.We went to a place called Feeling Cafe.I heard it was opened by some local singers.I like the place,got so-called-live band,can request songs and you can even write/draw out your feelings on the wall.We got suprised when there's two guys buy us apple salad and they didn't ask for our names nor mobile number.Its nice.Kym met her friend there and he dedicated a song to me.I'm so suprised and i wonder how he knew.He's a psychology student and the song is so related to my feelings that time.Had a great time,me and Kym,as usual,we talked.But that place can really makes you feel emotional.I thought about a lotsa stuff when i'm there,I think i know what to do about it.

Oh ya!The day before I went Midvalley with Mic,Kym and Asthena,i saw this vest at Miss Selfridge.Its so nice and its so my size!!!Very masculine,cool,sexy and its the last piece.It cost RM183!!Sigh..i decided not to buy...

Twisting and turning in a space that's too small...

I've open this page for so long n I duno wat to blog abt.Lately my mood has nvr been stable since grandpa passed away.Indeed,i miss him alot.

Recently i watched this taiwan serial drama called Angel Lover.I'm abt to finish d drama n I cried for most of it.Its quite interesting.In this world,there's a lot of different personality,attitude n beliefs in people.

Nowadays people kip on complaining n wish tat they can forget sum parts of their memories but thr's sum ppl in tis world try it so hard to recall their memories when they lost their memories.When they haf it they wana forget abt it,when they lost it they wana get it bak.Sum people oni knw how to think committing suicide everyday in their lives while sum people wana live for one more day aso kenot.Y humans r all like tat?when tat person leave den u oni knw how much u nit tat person,when u gonna die u oni treasure life,when u make mistakes oni u will learn,when u missed it u oni knw how important it is etc. etc.

Humans r selfish i supposed.

Alot alot alot of things happened recently.I guess i jst cudn't adopt with it.I'm in a situation which is undecided.I din realise it was so bad until today.All this while i was laughing n smilling outside of me but actually matter got worst inside.Maybe I don't face d fact*like wat tat person once/more told me before*.Infact,i don't dare to face it n i don't know how to.I tot i shud understand myself more than everyone else in this world but actually i aso don't understand myself.I may know wat i want but i don't know if d choice i made will hurt other people n i don't know how to settle it.Maybe, i too care abt other people feelings adi.

Now i really don't know wat is actually happiness means to me becos happy to me is jst a very short term thing.Is tat my problem?I think too much??Or i'm d one who created all d problem by thinking too much,caring too much???Is it becos i'm a person who kenot be stable for once????AM i stupid?????

Does all this sound familiar to u?Yea i knw most of my blog all sounds similar with this.Jst the same old shit everyday every month every year.-Tired-

Random Pictures

Me & Mummy
"FLY"show
This little girl can sing very well
Very smart little girl that only likes pretty and handsome to be friends with
impressing...btw tat baby doesn't belongs to him
Denim Nite

On d stage receiving the prize
Tada!!!At 1st it really sounds good but dun make it like ur concert like tat la

See!people aso kenot tahan sleep adi NiceOooooooo i'm freeeeezzzziiiinnnnggggg!!!

*****************************************

Bye bye Grandpa...rest in peace orh...miss uWe will love you forever...

Our very straight forward-tidy-clean-talkative-generous-funny-cute aunty n her 4 nieces

4 pretty ladies with a monkey...LOLThe man in the houseThe family potrait...without grandpa...The cutest couple *QQ(pronounce in 'kiu kiu' in hakka,means mother's brother)& Aunty Audrey(his wife)*

Birth Date

Your Birthdate: January 11

Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world. You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done. Your strength: Your inner peace Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds Your power color: Emerald Your power symbol: Leaf Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm so messed up!So fucked up!!!!How arh?!how arh??????

Tagged!

Browse thru Mic's blog n i found my name where i got tagged by her.Hmmm i'm wondering i perasan or isit really me cos it only stated "Jessica" n there's so many Jessica on earth...Well watever perasan aso nvmla cos i'm so boring nw...

Layer One: On The Outside

Name:Jessica Chen

Birth Date: 11th Jan 1988

Current status: ask me personally

Eye Colour: dark brown

Hair Colour: black
Righty or Lefty: Righty

Layer Two: On The Inside

Your Heritage: Chinese
Your Fears: lizards,cockroaches,boringness,being late,death
Your Weakness: self-consciousness,giving speech,forgetful

Your Perfect Pizza: Hawaiian

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Your Thoughts First Waking Up: what to do today?

Your Bedtime: anytime anywhere
Your Most Missed Memory: when i'm back to Stw to see grandpa the last time at nursing home,he smiled n called my name

Layer Four: Your Pick

Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi

McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald.

Single or Group Dates: it really depends

Adidas or Nike: currently Nike
Tea or Nestea: depends

Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate...i don't like vanilla

Cappucino or Coffee: coffee

Layer Five: Do You...

Smoke: NEVER!

Curse: there are times tat i curse but not too cruel la..

Take a shower: of cos la!don't u?
Have a crush: i'll let u knw
Think you've been in love: duh!!!!
Go to school: been to but obviously now i'm going to a place called COLLEGE
Want to get married: yes, but not now.
Believe in yourself: sumtimes..
Think you're a health freak: i'm very lazy

Layer Six: In The Past Month

Drank alcohol: of course...
Gone to the mall: isn't this a stupid question?

Been on stage: erm...erm...yea for mum's company best dress award!
Eaten sushi: nop...but i love to

Dyed your hair: not goin to...

Layer Seven: Have You Ever...Played

A Stripping Game: u may think tat i'm wild but actually i'm not..so its a NO!
Changed Who You Were To Fit In: yeah but after awhile i realise being myself is so much better

Layer Eight: Age You're Hoping

To Be Married: 25-30
For a: errrrr...*clueless*

Layer Nine: In a Guy

Best Eye Colour: olive green,sparkling blue,grey etc. etc. *it doesn't matter anyway*

Best Hair Colour: natural blonde*not lala gold*,brown,greyish brown,black

Short Hair or Long Hair: Depends

Layer Ten: What Were You Doing

1 Min Ago: scratch my hair
1 Hour Ago: online chatting n blogging at the same time
4.5 Hours Ago: paint my nails

1Month Ago: can't really recall

1 Year Ago: DAMN!i'm so forgetful

Layer Eleven: Finish The Sentence

I Love: to be FREE!!!

I Feel: blank...duno what to do

I Hate: to be someone that i'm NOT!

I Hide: mum n dad's wedding photo inside my cupboard,a place where its quite high which i tot only i can reach...i knw its stupid

I Miss: grandpa...sobz
I Need: to save money to go Bali,Redang n Spore

Layer Twelve: Tag Five People

Robin,amnesty,evie,fiona n bichai....

trembling down...

Grandma & Mummy

Went bak for the weekend for Mother's day.Be treated mum n popo n all of us for dinner.Brought Chester to the vet to get treatment for his swollen injured leggy.It was so disgusting when the doc found a worm at his leggy,ewwww its a meagot*duno how to spell*,a worm that eat dead tissues.

Poor Chester haf to put on the lamp shade thingy..so cute rite!!!This time din get to go my favourite coffee shop cos kinda busy n tired cos last few days was rushing assignment n din sleep.Den went fajar to buy sweet for mum's company.Been toking wif Jie n Yiyi tis time,abt relationship.The whole sunday afternoon i felt so hard to breathe,my heart is pumping so fast.I HATE people walk away from me like tat.So i texted Binny and he calls me back,luckily he cheers me up if not i'll jst burst into tears.

I hope its jst a normal thing nothing much but its too fishy for me to trust.My experience is telling me all tis is so wrong.Haih...well i'm jst goin to give tis one last chance like wat Yiyi said.If its gonna end,it will end no matter how hard i'm trying to save it.

Star facts

Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist predictions.

AQUARIUS - The One that Waits.Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always Wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal.Beautiful. Goofy. Easy to talk to.Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.

PISCES - The Addict.EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor.Energetic. Predict future. GREATkisser. Always get what they want.Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationship. Talkative.Romantic. Caring.

LEO - The Coolest one.Nice to everyone they meet. Their Loveis one of a kind. Silly, Fun andsweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person Ever meet! however not the kind of person you wanna mess with... u might end up crying...

GEMINI - The Liar.Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Lovesrelationships,Addictive. Loud.

CANCER - Does It In The Water.Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser.One of a kind. Loves being In long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Especially with your mom. Not a Fighter, But willKnock your lights out.

ARIES- Irresistible.Nice Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed... Lovernot a fighter, but will still knockyou out. Trustworthy. Always happy.Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has abeautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.

SAGITTARIUS-The Lion.Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how toHave fun. Is really good at almostanything. Great kisser. Unpredictable.Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive.Attractive. Loud. Loves being in longrelationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.

TAURUS- The Cutie.Most Amazing kisser. Very high appeal.Love is one of a kind. Very romantic.Most caring person you will ever meet!Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous.Great at telling Stories. Not aFighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.

LIBRA - The Partner for Life.Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Funto be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!!Thoughtful. Always gets what he or shewants. Loves to joke. Very popular.Silly, fun and sweet.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover.Love to bust. Nice. Sassy.Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.Irresistible. Loves being in longrelationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Geminis' in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

SCORPIO - Aggressive.Loves being in long relationships.Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Lovesto help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!

VIRGO- The Promiscuous One.Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty.

J.E.S.S.I.C.A

A : You like to drink
B : You like people.
C : You are really silly
D : One in a million
E : You love alcohol
F : You are dead sexy
G : You never let people tell you whatto do
H : Very good personality & looks &are a very good kisser
I : Great in bed
J : People adore you
K : You're wild and crazy
L : Unbelievably great in bed
M : Best kisser ever
N : You like to drink A LOT
O : Awesome kisser
P : You are popular with all types ofpeople
Q : You are a hypocrite
R : Easy to fall in love with
S : You are crazy ( in a fun way)x2
T : You're loyal to those you love
U : You are silly
V : You are not judgemental
W : You are very broad minded
X : You rarely let people tell youwhat to do
Y : Best boy/girl friend any one canask for
Z : Always ready.......

long term or short term?

Was very blur today,very.Loads of assignments to do,mid-term tmr.This sem seems like going vry fast....

Eventually things r getting better...hopefully...wif relationship...but will it b jst a short term thing?Hope not...but isnt things happen like tat when u dunwan it to b like tat...d more u hope d more u get disappointed...d more u treat them good d more they take u for granted(in general)

Missing pieces...

Suddenly i felt sumthg is lost inside of me but i duno wat is it.I'm very happy tis two days but i felt sumthg missing inside.I went to Midvalley yesterday to watch movie with Be and went 1u today to meet Theresa up to pass her the handbag.I wanted to buy a lot of stuff.Stuff that i had a lot,stuff tat i duno y i wana buy it for...i jst wana buy as if trying to fill up the pieces in me.But luckily i controlled myself n i bought a pair of shades n a t-shirt for Be.I nearly bought 2 pairs of shades,a wallet,a green sling bag,a t-shirt dress,a nike jacket,a nike t-shirt,get a french manicure,a sony headphone,etc. etc. etc.Arhhhhh control controoolll!

I think is abt grandpa.I miss him so much la...i kept thinking abt him...kept wondering how is he now...does he like the funeral?does he like the place the funeral was held?is he 'happy happy' with the entertainment?'happy happy' is the word he always say...n i still remember whn he's in hosp,he told tis to the hosp worker tat stayed at the flat b4,so cute la whn he say it,we all laughed.But can u imagine anot,in few hrs his body become bones n ashes.Suddenly i'm scared...of death.

Life continues...

I'm back in KL already.Once i reached i went to KLCC,alone...pity me...have to do some research for my VM assignment.Went in to Quicksilver,curi-curi take pictures n look around if i can find any wallet that i like.I found 1,its black n orange one but its rm89,quite broke lately so walk other places n see if i could find a better one anot.Went to Parkson's Warehouse n i saw a black soft leather wallet,very nice n its rm86 but the finishing is not that good lor.Same like the Roxy wan so end up din buy.

While i was walking around n i passed by the indoor coffee bean n there's a guy sitting at the side table calling me.I was looking at him before that cos he's digging or putting something in his mouth n its gross!Maybe becos of that he noticed me.He's not bad looking but he's really gross doing that in public.Ewwww...

Btw,this morning while i was waiting for bus at Manjung bus station,i saw a so-called-friend with 2 china dolls.And mum were asking me "is he a pimp?"..hmmm...i duno...no comment

Damn!i still got so much things to do 4 assignments n 4 mid-terms on next week!!!GeezzZZ!How can i cope?Dah lah i last whole week busy with Genting n funeral...haih...

I seriously wan a WALLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#will blog abt Genting when i got time...damn proud of myself!

Sad or happy?

I really don't know how to write this blog.Kong kong aka grandpa passed away on monday morning.Its not a very shocking news to everyone of us as we have already prepared for it already cos he's too ill n suffers.I even said "wth!" when mum knocked on my room door at 6am n tell me about it.Didn't cry...no one cried until the last day of funeral when we're praying for him.Funeral was so messed up,mixed customs here n there while we're having a christian funeral.The pastor sounds like he is telling his testimonial more than praying for the death n the service even have a hokkien song.So we prayed ourselves in a catholic way eventho its a methodist funeral cos most of my aunty n uncle n cousins are catholic,n i felt soooo much better after tat.Transportation plan was messed up forgot this n forgot tat becos there's too many influences already from the old people too many customs to follow.Seriously i'm not very happy with the funeral.I wonder if Kong Kong rest in peace with this kind of funeral anot.No one has cried when the coffin is pushed to the crematory room,we can even see how it burns.Haih anyway its over..went to pick his bones n ashes this morning.Placed the urn at Sam Poh Kong n throw his ashes at the sea.

I didn't sleep for few nights already becos have to stay n look after Kong Kong if there's any cats jump over his coffin.Second nite everyone is so tired so left me alone n my Be(who was drunk n sleeping) there to look after,i was so tired but still have to tahan.I can actually sleep cos we asked a uncle to look after for us but i still worried.

I found tat most of the time,funeral is the best moment for the whole family to gather together.Its quite happy tho,we have every lunch n dinner together,went to Lumut den went to Beach pub n sing K together.Had a really great time together.

Luckily last Thurs i saw Kong Kong when i first got back to Stw.He somemore called my name n smiled eventho he's so ill.Forever i will never forget his smile...forever...sobz

#will post sum pictures later